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Health Blog Topics, Day 4

Phew, hopefully life will slow down a little bit soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a new laptop! One can only hope! Out of the options for Day 4, I could tell you about the contents of my purse – totally not as exciting any more since the girls are in school full time! The other option is how and what I decide to share. This one can be a little tricky!

I often joke that I have Jillian’s detailed medical history down to the readers digest version in which I time myself. I even play a game! I time myself to see if I can do it faster. It’s getting tougher now that she’s getting older! But no matter how many times I tell our story, I purposely leave a piece out. It’s not a crucial point, but it seems like it to me. Lucky you, I’m breaking my silence here. :p

When Jillian was 11 weeks old (1 week corrected), I ended up having to take her to SickKids because she had 2 blue spells. Basically, I watched Jillian turn blue twice in a matter of 5 minutes. Come to find out, she was suffering with silent reflux and her little body just didn’t know how to tolerate it all. But, let’s back up a bit.

During the first blue spell stay (there were 2…) She wasn’t acting like herself. Something was wrong and she had a low grade fever. I told the nurse at 1am that something just wasn’t right and they were concerned because she had a weak immune system to begin with, so they ordered a lumbar puncture (LP= spinal tap to check for meningitis) I expressed that I wanted to be in the room with her while she had the procedure done. The nurses told me that it was a sterile environment and that I couldn’t touch her and many parents don’t want to be present for it. Since I missed so many tests while Jillian was in the NICU, I wasn’t leaving her side this time. Even if I was 5 feet away from her, masked, gowned and gloved.

When babies are that little, they don’t like using sedation. I was a little shocked that the only thing they were giving Jillian was sugar water as a pain reliever. Seemed barbaric to me. I sat on a cold metal stool with tears rolling down my face and fogging up my glasses underneath the mask. The nurse offered that I could leave again, I declined.

When it was all over with and Jillian was settled, I went for a walk around the hospital. I needed to get some air. I couldn’t believe I let those people do that to my baby. I did know however that it was much better than actually having meningitis. In the end, everything was fine and I felt like crap for making her go through that for nothing.

You might think that consenting to an LP is the only thing I have a problem with, but sadly it’s not. When Jillian was approximately 8 months old, I was hospitalized for 4 days due to a terrible migraine. They decided to do an LP on me to check for a variety of different things while I was in the hospital (and my headache was still present)

Keep in mind that I’m an adult and I really do have a high pain tolerance. Hello, rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis? I’m not even sure what threw me over the edge about it. They attempted to do the LP in the ER where I found myself with the beginnings of a panic attack. Come to find out they don’t like to sedate adults for the LP either.

I felt terrible that I couldn’t go through the procedure and I had made Jillian go through it with nothing more than sugar water. They eventually gave me atavan to calm down enough to actually get the test done. I felt like a failure that I couldn’t handle it and I forced Jillian to.

It still bothers me now. Whenever I share our story and talk about the 2 blue spell hospital admissions, I always leave that part out. It’s not critical to Jillian’s case and I know I don’t need to say anything about it, I’m just not comfortable feeling like a failure to everyone around me. I’m sure all of us go through something like this one way or another.

Comments

  1. I couldn’t read and not comment. HUGS
    Nolie recently posted..Sears Makes Toy Shopping Easy

  2. You are a wonderful mother. You had no reason to believe that the LP would be a waste or negative and prove nothing. Can you imagine if you HADN’T done it and it was critical and could have saved her?! You’d have a guilty feeling. I understand the whole process & it being hard for you to do on your own, yet you put Jillian through it. You cannot think like that and you just have to be positive that you were both clean. You are Jillian’s BIGGEST voice and Advocate today and I bet you everything when she older & you tell her this, she going to say you did the right thing. Don’t beat yourself up! ((HUGS)) Love you!
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