Phew, hopefully life will slow down a little bit soon. Or maybe Santa will bring me a new laptop! One can only hope! Out of the options for Day 4, I could tell you about the contents of my purse – totally not as exciting any more since the girls are in school full time! The other option is how and what I decide to share. This one can be a little tricky!
I often joke that I have Jillian’s detailed medical history down to the readers digest version in which I time myself. I even play a game! I time myself to see if I can do it faster. It’s getting tougher now that she’s getting older! But no matter how many times I tell our story, I purposely leave a piece out. It’s not a crucial point, but it seems like it to me. Lucky you, I’m breaking my silence here. :p
When Jillian was 11 weeks old (1 week corrected), I ended up having to take her to SickKids because she had 2 blue spells. Basically, I watched Jillian turn blue twice in a matter of 5 minutes. Come to find out, she was suffering with silent reflux and her little body just didn’t know how to tolerate it all. But, let’s back up a bit.
During the first blue spell stay (there were 2…) She wasn’t acting like herself. Something was wrong and she had a low grade fever. I told the nurse at 1am that something just wasn’t right and they were concerned because she had a weak immune system to begin with, so they ordered a lumbar puncture (LP= spinal tap to check for meningitis) I expressed that I wanted to be in the room with her while she had the procedure done. The nurses told me that it was a sterile environment and that I couldn’t touch her and many parents don’t want to be present for it. Since I missed so many tests while Jillian was in the NICU, I wasn’t leaving her side this time. Even if I was 5 feet away from her, masked, gowned and gloved.
When babies are that little, they don’t like using sedation. I was a little shocked that the only thing they were giving Jillian was sugar water as a pain reliever. Seemed barbaric to me. I sat on a cold metal stool with tears rolling down my face and fogging up my glasses underneath the mask. The nurse offered that I could leave again, I declined.
When it was all over with and Jillian was settled, I went for a walk around the hospital. I needed to get some air. I couldn’t believe I let those people do that to my baby. I did know however that it was much better than actually having meningitis. In the end, everything was fine and I felt like crap for making her go through that for nothing.
You might think that consenting to an LP is the only thing I have a problem with, but sadly it’s not. When Jillian was approximately 8 months old, I was hospitalized for 4 days due to a terrible migraine. They decided to do an LP on me to check for a variety of different things while I was in the hospital (and my headache was still present)
Keep in mind that I’m an adult and I really do have a high pain tolerance. Hello, rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis? I’m not even sure what threw me over the edge about it. They attempted to do the LP in the ER where I found myself with the beginnings of a panic attack. Come to find out they don’t like to sedate adults for the LP either.
I felt terrible that I couldn’t go through the procedure and I had made Jillian go through it with nothing more than sugar water. They eventually gave me atavan to calm down enough to actually get the test done. I felt like a failure that I couldn’t handle it and I forced Jillian to.
It still bothers me now. Whenever I share our story and talk about the 2 blue spell hospital admissions, I always leave that part out. It’s not critical to Jillian’s case and I know I don’t need to say anything about it, I’m just not comfortable feeling like a failure to everyone around me. I’m sure all of us go through something like this one way or another.