Intricate Work of Cotton Swabs

In my house, we usually call these little things Q-Tips, but since that is a trademarked name, I’ll refer to them as cotton swabs. Totally not as fun, by the way! Did you have any idea that these little things aren’t just for cleaning your ears!? I don’t THINK I’ve ever used them for anything but cleaning ears and taking off nail polish around my cuticles.  I feel the urge to tell you a little story.

We have a cat. Her name is Timbit. We got her as a very timid little 6 week old kitten from one of my close friends in Toronto. Timbit was so meek and mild and really has a lovely disposition.  (In no way shape or form are we bad pet parents, btw). Shortly before Timbit turned 6 months old, she went into her first heat cycle. Well, that was fun. Too young for the procedure, so, we just have to hurry up and wait until she’s done. After her cycle was done, I began inquiring about getting her fixed. No problem, BUT. There is a LONG wait list in Toronto. Awesome for us, and our lovely mannered cat. Timbit IS a great cat, totally gentle with the girls only plays “rough” with Adam and I (and really it’s not rough), but when she’s in heat?! Oh. My. God. I need a muzzle and probably a tranquilizer dart…. For me. (Timbit WILL be getting fixed, we’re just waiting for this cycle to be done.)

Needless to say, Adam is the only male in the house. He’s currently getting A LOT of attention from the cat. The last cycle Timbit went through, Adam said “WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!” That’s how much she sides up to Adam! We were getting a little annoyed by Timbit’s mating call and it was too hot to put her in the garage (She loves it in there. I honestly don’t know why) So, Adam decided to pull a Cheryl. He Googled. Aw, how my heart filled with joy!

Came across some interesting “home remedies” on his search. For example? Rescue Remedy. Who knew that was a miracle drug! As Adam was happily clicking around from his google searches, he came across a site that had a pretty disturbing remedy if you ask me!!

APPARENTLY, Grab the cat, place it on your lap with their butts facing you (man, this sounds like a stellar remedy already) you then put a cotton swab in their VAGINA (this was VERY important to throw out… Because no one likes it in the wrong hole…. groan). You’re then supposed to insert it slowly and then more rapidly (this sounds vaguely like what their human owners do with uh. body parts instead of cotton swabs) Apparently, you’ll know when you reach the right spot. Apparently cat orgasms are more “intense” than humans… It was described like this:

The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, or capitalism. From: Everything 2

I then practically BEGGED Adam to do it. I said it was for you- the love of my readers. He told you all are MY readers and I should do it. Way to kill the mood, Adam. So unfortunately (probably VERY fortunately for you) we do not have a video with this technique and we didn’t even try it. The one thing that cracked us up?? Was this comment-

There’s a confusing blend of hissing, screaming, loving, and biting that results from any of the above suggested stimuli. She’ll hate you. She’ll love you. She’ll run away from you, but then timidly crawl back…with her ass rubbing against the carpet. This is the strangest, most confusing experience of our lives. Am I hurting her?? Does she love it? Does she love me? Will I be able to sleep tonight? Am I helping at all, or did I just cross over into some weird world of animal porn that I never even knew existed? Most importantly…Will our relationship ever be the same?

So there you have it. A new use for cotton swabs. (I may or may not have used a few q-tips to get the girls bowels moving, if you know what I mean) Do you have any different uses for these cotton swabs!?

(Picture credit- Rhea for adapting THIS picture)